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    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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DISTANT PROXIMITIES

From the beginning God saw the need for both male and female to dwell. I believe this was what he saw when he looked at Adam and said he needed a helper or a companion, so to speak. This has been the practice for years, and even though times have started changing in terms of sexual relationships, Man and Woman will always want to relate.

For this to happen effectively, boundaries are put in place either vocally or silently to determine the way such relationships will operate. Well, to be honest, I have witnessed many boundary encroachments in the past, even when boundaries have been signed and agreed upon. To sign a boundary agreement is human, to follow through on it with emotions involved is err . . . divine. *coughs*

Matters of the heart sometimes cannot be understood with the head.

In modern day lingua, these boundaries are called zones. You can’t be caught using “boundaries”, lest you suffer been called “old school”. And I am not old school. Don’t argue, thank you.

Zones are hiding lines, or better still boundaries that define a guy/girl relationship. Most times it is silently stated and if you possess eyes, you will see and know when you have been zoned. Male and Female human species have suffered this but I will be looking at it from a guy’s perspective because I am a guy and I obviously cannot tell it from the other way. I wasn’t a babe in my former life.

So, guy meets girl, likes girl very much and is hoping that something serious will happen between them. After a while, guy speaks his mind to girl, she thinks about it and then after much-much gives him the “I am not ready for a relationship, let us be friends” line. That is zoning right there.

In this piece, I shall be looking at the different types of zones and I will try my best to dissect the characteristics of each zone. And in these few moments, you may call me Dr. Poxy Love, your one stop relationship expert. Whenever I hear boys say stuff like “I can never be zoned”, I laugh.

Everyone at one point or the other has either zoned someone or has been a recipient of zoning. Some have even been zoned so badly, they just assume a zone as soon as they meet a babe. I hope that at the end of this, you will be delivered from every evil ZONE BY FIRE!!! (I heard one faint “Amen” somewhere). Also note that you can’t have affairs with every babe now. Haba? You, too, give some room to be zoned. Here we go:

THE FRIEND ZONE: To get to the Promised Land, every guy has to pass through this zone. (If you think “the Promised Land” here is what I think you thought, your mind needs washing). It is the first zoning stage in a guy/girl relationship. You have to, as a guy, warm your way into her heart with the hope of being the main bobo. That can only be achieved by being her friend.

However, some babes have a way of punishing guys unnecessarily. You know the dude likes you and you like him too, so why keep him in the friend zone for too long? I understand if the babe has a guy and she doesn’t want to break up with him simply because of you, but the part that annoys me is when the said babe expects you to carry out responsibilities of the boyfriend. I mean, if you cannot be there always for me, don’t expect me to be there always for you. It is only fair.

How do you know you are in this zone? She quickly introduces you to anyone who cares to listen as her best friend. She tells you about her guy, she compares you to him sometimes, and some other times, tells you when he hurts her. You are like her spare tyre.  She talks to you when he is not in town or she cannot reach him. When the main guy is around, you no longer exist. You are totally forgotten until the next time you are needed.

Let me state that this is not a bad state to be in if you play your game right. In this zone, you are closer to being the boyfriend than any other zone. So guys out there, when you find that you have been friend-zoned, don’t feel too bad, there is still light at the end of the tunnel.

THE BROTHER ZONE: Let me be honest with you brothers. When you get to this zone, you see that light at the end of the tunnel becomes ‘low current’. It begins to get dim. When you stay too long in the friend zone and she becomes too comfortable with you around, brother, you have been brother-zoned. This is sad if you have feelings for her and you just refused to move on after many years of dwelling in the friend zone. When people ask her about what is going on between you two, she easily smiles and goes: “Poxy is my friend. In fact, he is like a brother to me”. When a babe you really like does that, you have to feel bad. The only kind of men who may not feel bad are those who have lost every drop of ego in them. She comes to you crying when her boyfriend breaks her heart. She freely places her head on your shoulders, you comfort her very well, and when she settles with him, she even tells you how they settled.

Babes who do this are wicked. How can you subject a brother to such humiliation?

This type of zone silently requires that you, under no circumstance develop any form of sexual feeling towards her. After all, how can a brother have sexual feelings for his ‘sister’? Gorrit? Aha! Weep!

THE UNCLE ZONE: This is the third and final type of zone from my own observation and experience. Yours truly has experienced these zones and I can shamefully state that I presently occupy this particular zone with some babes. In this zone, the light at the end of the tunnel has been blown off. PHCN/NEPA or whatever they are calling themselves these days has done their job here. If you once had feeling for her and she opens her mouth to call you “uncle”, just make sure every emotion you once had for her dies. In fact, bury every feeling. Let it not exist. This is the zone of no return. It will take a miracle to get anything out of this zone. Do you not get it? You are her uncle for Christ’s sake. You are like her guardian. You are her relationship expert, her technical adviser, her shoulder to cry on, her mobile mini ATM, amongst other things. When a guy asks her out, she not only tells you but she asks you what you think from a guy’s perspective. She even asks you what she can wear to on her first date. That is how cruel this zone is. It is the worst of them all. This is really where the cookie crumbles and becomes dust.

In the brother zone, it silently expected for you not to have sexual feelings because you are like a “brother” to her, but in the uncle zone, if you have any sexual feeling for her, you have committed rape already.

For those who are more experienced in this zoning business, who feel I missed out on some zones, please feel free to state them in the comments section.

I remain my gentle self,

Tony Pox.companion 7

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8 Comments

  1. Hymar

     /  October 6, 2013

    Come on, the’uncle’zone is not a bad place to be as you make it. Lots of my female friends put me in the uncle and brother zones, some drag me down the best friend lane. And I am perfectly okay with that. It ain’t always about feelings, it is more about what you got to give, d type of person you are.

    Reply
  2. kachi

     /  October 6, 2013

    Hmmmm, Hymar nwanne nke m, jisie ike with the zones u are , hahahaha, its not that bad abi? Wait till most of those girls who zone u get jealous and ‘yab’ u weneva anoda girl cums around u jux for dem to feel safe and get d feeling dat dey “own” u, no one shud get into d territory. Den u wee be frustrated. Its sickening tho. I’m a victim and also a predator of these zonings buh wen u fall prey, u’d understand how bad it is

    Reply
  3. Adeline Kasper

     /  October 6, 2013

    Hahaha! U got me laughing all d way!
    But nawa oo.. I nevr knew it was ds bad cos I hav alot of ’em I cal broda nd uncle. Lwkm!

    Reply
  4. These zones carry with them a bit of ‘benefits’ here and there. Your reward is therefore either ‘here’ or up ‘there’.
    I love this Dr. Poxy. Una nor drop number for consultashun nah

    Reply
  5. Esther

     /  October 7, 2013

    Choi! So na wetin we women dey do be this eh? Time to release those my magas from their uncle zones #truly repentant 🙂

    Reply
  6. CHIKA

     /  October 8, 2013

    Hahahahahahahahaha. I never do the Uncle zone sha, who’s game?

    Reply
  7. Miss Mawee

     /  October 25, 2013

    LOL! Very funny!!! However,Being in those zones isn’t bad per se(I have friend-zoned, brother-zoned and uncle-zoned guys). The only thing that hurts is when your feelings are involved(one can’t help these things a lot of the time). I’ve been friend-zoned before(yup), I have friend-zoned guys before-not all in the manner of you-say-you-like-me-I-say-let’s-be-friends, nah. Sometimes you just want to be just friends with the guy.

    Tony, you forgot to add the “Silence zone” haha

    Reply

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