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  • Walt Shakes

    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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The Milk Of God

A group of twenty women are seated on benches in a small church that is made completely from corrugated roofing sheets. Pastor Chidi, a potbellied man in his mid-forties, stands on the lectern with a bible opened in front of him. It is about 12 noon.

Pastor Chidi: Praise the Looooooooord!

Women: (chorusing) Alleluiaaaaaaaaa!

Pastor Chidi: It’s like you can’t hear me. I say prai….prai….p…p…praise the Loooooord!

Women: (a few jump to their feet, some wave their hands, many more screaming and jumping) Alleluiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

They all seem excited, except Sister Sandra, a buxom, light-skinned woman, who sits at the back with a stony look on her face and her arms folded across her chest.

Pastor Chidi: Amen?!

Women: Amen!

Pastor Chidi: Amen?!

Women: Amen!

Pastor Chidi: I say Amen?!

Women: Ameeeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: Daughters of Zion, you can take your seats.

The women that were still standing settle down quickly.

Pastor Chidi: I welcome you all in the name of the Lord to this fertility clinic specially for women seeking the fruit of the womb which holds from Monday to Friday every 12 noon. Are you surprised I called it a fertility clinic? Don’t be! But this is not a gynaecology clinic. Noooooooo! We don’t have any doctor here! No doctor but the LORD!

Sister Tope: (suddenly jumps up) Say it, Pastor! SAY IT!

Pastor Chidi: In this place, the Lord shall visit you with clouds of smoke and a pillar of fire!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: He shall give you bouncing baby boys and screaming baby girls!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: In the midst of storm, in the midst of rain and thunder shalt thou conceive!

Women: Ameeeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: Amen. Please be seated. The Lord has a message for us today which is titled ‘Milk of God’.

Sister Mercy: (quickly bends and whispers to Sister Favour who is sitting beside her) Every sermon must have something to do with milk. Every time, milk, milk, milk. Mtchewwww!

(Sister Favour rolls her eyes, blinks hard and then continues to listen to the sermon)

Pastor Chidi: Today’s bible passage is taken from 1 Peter 2:2.

Sister Tope: (jumps up almost before he calls out the verse) 1 Peter 2: 2 reads: “As newborn babes, desire ye the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby.”

Pastor Chidi: (quickly cuts in and repeats the scripture almost verbatim, screaming loudly) As newborn babes…! Desire ye the sincere milk…! That ye may grow thereby! My dear sisters in the Lord, this scripture was written specifically for you. The opening part says as “newborn babes”! Did you not see that? And tell me, are you not babes?

Sister Tope: (jumps up again as if on cue) I am a babe oo!

She starts to sashay slowly and comically away from her seat as the other women erupt in cheer.

Women: Wooooooooooooooooo!

Sister Peace: (interjects) Tope baby!

Pastor Chidi: (tries to take charge) Amen?!

Women: Amen!

Pastor Chidi: Please be seated. Sisters in the Lord, are you here and wondering why you haven’t gotten pregnant yet? You spend all those nights with your husband and keep seeing your period every month? Today the Lord reveals the answer. Your answer is milk! I say MILK!

Women:  (chorusing) MILK!

Pastor Chidi: I SAY MILK!!!

Women: MILK!!!

Pastor Chidi: Praise the Lord!

Women: Alleluia!

Pastor Chidi: Yes, my sisters. It is milk that you lack! Not just any milk, nooooo! It’s a special milk. It’s the MILK OF GOD! For my bible says in the book of Jeremiah 11 verse 5, I shall lead thee unto a Land flowing with Milk and Honey. Daughter of Zion, may I announce to you that because of the anointing upon my life, I am that Land flowing with milk and honey. Therefore in the morning the milk shall flow!

Women: (chorusing) FLOW!

Pastor Chidi: In the evening, it shall FLOW!

Women: FLOW!

Pastor Chidi: In the noontime, it shall FLOW!

Women: FLOW!

Pastor Chidi: In the middle of the night, when it is very cold, this milk shall FLOW!

Women: FLOW!

Pastor Chidi: When your husband goes for a trip, this milk shall FLOW!

Women: FLOW!

Pastor Chidi: It shall flow upon your hair!

Women: Ameeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: I say it shall flow on your chest!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: I say it shall flow INSIDE!

Women: (chanting) INSIDE!

Pastor Chidi: Alleluia!

Women: Amen!

Pastor Chidi: And when it has flowed inside, what will happen? Lets go back to the first scripture. It says that ye may GROW thereby. You see what the Lord is saying? When you receive this milk, that tummy shall grow!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: I say that womb shall grow!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: I say a baby in it shall grow!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: I say when the milk enters, the baby must enter!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

Pastor Chidi: Somebody say ENTER!

Women: ENTER!

Pastor Chidi: I say ENTER!

Women: ENTER!

Pastor Chidi: It must ENTER!

Women: ENTER!

Pastor Chidi: Alleluia!

Women: Ameeeeennn!

In that moment, Sister Tope falls under the anointing.

Pastor Chidi: Somebody pray to the Lord! Pray that it must enter!

The women get up from their seats and begin to pace and pray aloud for several minutes. For most of them, their prayer is just one word: ENTER.

Pastor Chidi: (claps thrice to call their attention) Praise the Lord!

Women: Alleluia!

Pastor Chidi: Testimony time?

Women: Blessing time!

Pastor Chidi: Is there anybody here with a Milk Testimony? Please come out and share with the brethren.

Sister Tope, who had been lying on the floor all this while, suddenly gets up and walks to the front.

Sister Tope: Praise the Lord!

Women: Alleluia!

Sister Tope: Sisters, praise the Lord oo!

Women: Alleluia!

Sister Tope: Amen?

Women: Amen!

Sister Tope: I want to testify to the goodness of the Lord. I got married very early at the age of 18 to my rich husband who provided everything I ever wanted. But for 5 years, there was no joy in my home because I could not get pregnant. My story changed when I encountered the man of God. Sisters, I tell you, there is milk and there is MILK. Sisters, with the man of God, I encountered ‘milk wey pass milk’.

Women: Amen!

Sister Tope: Yes oh! This man of God is a big man of God! He is a strong man of God! I say the man strong kakaraka! And his milk, I mean the milk of God in him, is sweet. The milk is powerful! The milk never fails! My two sons came from this milk and I am a living testimony! My sisters, how can you partake in this? Just do all the man of God says. Never for any reason miss the private prayer sessions he schedules with you, no matter the time. Because it is during such sessions that the holy milk of God will be released unto you in power. If your husband is the reason you can’t attend the session, just wait like I did until he travels. Then would you have time to come for the special midnight meetings where the sincere milk of God will be deposited over and over again to ensure maximum success. Sisters, I assure you, you wont regret it. Because our man of God is very endowed! Endowed with so much power. (She makes a fist and points it at the women while still talking) Endowed with so much milk! Endowed with so much anointing! As the Lord has blessed me, so shall he bless you too! Praise the Looooooord!

Women: Alleluia!

Sister Tope: (now singing and dancing) He has done for me!

Women: (some rising to their feet, clapping and dancing) He has done for me!

Sister Tope: He has done for me!

Women: He has done for me!

Sister Tope: What my mother cannot do!

Women: He has done for me!

Sister Tope: What my father cannot do!

Women: He has done for me!

Sister Tope: What my husband cannot do!

Women: He has done for me!

Suddenly, Sister Sandra gets up from the back seat and rushes to the front. She stops before Tope and gives her a resounding slap. Startled, Tope screams, grabs Sandra’s blouse and a scuffle ensures. Within moments, Sandra manages to pin Tope on the floor and seems to be strangling her. All the women rush in and try to pull them apart. Sandra is finally pulled away and she begins to scream curses.

Sister Sandra: Ashawo! Ashawo oh! Woooooooooo!

Sister Favor: (holding Sandra back) Haba, Sandra! Why you go do like this na? Why?

Sister Sandra: (livid) Leave me! Na that ashawo Tope cause am. God will punish you, you whore! God will punish you, you hear?! You people should leave me alone jare!

The women release her and she suddenly leaps to the podium and slaps the pastor, grabs his shirt and slaps him again. Another scuffle ensues. The women come in again and finally separate them.

Sister Sandra: (screaming and pointing at the pastor) God will punish you! Punish you unto your children’s children!

Now, several women are holding Sandra, talking at once, asking her what the problem is and trying to calm her down.

Sister Sandra: (suddenly bursting into tears) Please you people should leave me alone! I have suffered so much in this rubbish church! I regret the day I stepped foot in this place. For 4 years of marriage, I was without child, and six months ago, this witch Tope invited me here. This same sermon was preached the first day I came here for fertility clinic and is the only sermon this stupid man always preaches. After my first day, Pastor scheduled me for all-night prayers. Part of his instruction was that it must not be during my menses. Well, I didn’t understand until later. After about an hour of prayer, Pastor said he got a revelation from God. A vision in which two of us were standing together, praying but that we were both naked.

Women: (shocked) NAKED?!

Sister Sandra: Yes, naked. Since I was desperate, I complied.

Sister Mercy: Shuo? Na you come dey call person ashawo?

Sister Favour: Mercy, shut up. Let her finish.

Sister Sandra: When we were naked and praying for a while, he then said he had another revelation but that it was a strange instruction. So for that reason, he would not obey it. I told him that every word of God must be obeyed, that he should tell me. He refused. After a while, he said it was about the milk of God.

Women: (mumbling) Milk of God?

Sandra: Yes. The milk of God. That God showed him a vision of how this milk should be administered. I asked him how. He said he cannot say it, but can only demonstrate it. He asked if I was willing to comply. I said yes. He then asked me to lie down on the floor and close my eyes very tight. I obeyed. Next thing, Pastor was on top me…

Women: (more shock) Whaaaaaat?!

Sister Sandra: (sobbing again) I should have shouted, I should have fought, I should have pushed him away, but at that moment I was confused. Confused and desperate. And this was a man of God that I feared and respected so much! I just laid there like stone until it was over. When he was done, then I finally understood what this milk of God was. For 6 months now, I have been having these so-called midnight prayers with him thrice a week and still I have not conceived. I feel so ashamed of myself. My dear sisters, don’t fall into this trap like I did. (She turns and points to the pastor). This man is the devil’s incarnate. All he wants to do is have sex with you!

As if on cue, the women suddenly attack the pastor. They pounce on him and begin to beat, pummel and slap him. Somehow, he wrangles free and runs out of the church. The women follow in hot pursuit, screaming abusive words in every Nigerian language.

Written by Emmanuel EssienBIBLE-BOOK-large570

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33 Comments

  1. Wow! Wow! Absolutely interesting! I laughed throughout although I knew where it was going.
    Mehn, Emmanuel chop knuckle jare…
    I hope they give the milking pastor more than bruises, infact, let them break his milking equipment. Nonsense! Lol.
    Thanks for sharing, Waltzer, I had fun.

    Reply
  2. Wendy

     /  October 10, 2013

    Lwkmd!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  3. Edeeth

     /  October 10, 2013

    When they were shouting ‘ ENTER!! MILK!! FLOW!!’, them no know abi?

    😀 😀 Manny Manny!! Ayam greet oº°˚!!

    Reply
  4. Such milk! Lmao!

    Reply
  5. obasi Jane Chinenye

     /  October 10, 2013

    Hahahah lwkm here ooo. MILK must FLOW by all means,either by revelation or by pouncing. Ihe n’eme!

    Reply
  6. Lol! Absolutely hilarious! The ending needed a better punch, though, but still, funny. Such milk o!

    Reply
  7. Lol! Milk of god indeed

    Reply
  8. Bella

     /  October 10, 2013

    ‘…in the midnight,it must FLOW’ ,’….His milk is strong…kakarara’. What were they thinking. Guyman pastor just dey do osho free dey go. Lwkmd.
    Manny,good one!

    Reply
  9. Excellency

     /  October 10, 2013

    😀 Nice story… Eh sire, are you advertising or de-advertising? Becoz this one na bad market u dey give the pastor so o…. Lol

    Reply
  10. Temmy

     /  October 10, 2013

    LMAOOO,Milk of God indeed.You just brilliantly and comically exposed a lot of these so-called”men of God”. Unfortunately, this is very very common; they capitalize on ignorance, blind fear, desperation of these women; its a pity, a great pity

    Reply
  11. Hehehehehehehe…..choi!
    Nna na wa ooo. Church palaver sef enh….o ti sun mi. Olorun.
    Nice one Emma. This was def worth the read.
    Thanks Mr Walter for sharing

    Reply
  12. uzo

     /  October 10, 2013

    Hahaha! Milk of God indeed!

    Reply
  13. chinwe

     /  October 10, 2013

    Milk of …..!!!!hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!but dis is so wrong,I won’t be able to think of milk innocently,again!!!am doomed!!

    Reply
  14. Sallie

     /  October 10, 2013

    “….Bouncing baby boys and screaming baby girls….” Mannyyy??? :/

    Reply
    • Manny Essien

       /  October 12, 2013

      yelz nah? they call boys bouncing baby boys. they rarely use “bouncing” for girls. or do they? biko that was the first word that came to mind. lol

      Reply
  15. Sigh. How very unfortunate that The One whom such charlatans claim to represent is often pushed out or refused membership in the ‘churches’ where He is supposed to be worshipped and emulated. It is amazing just how people can pervert anything to suit their own desires and proclivities. Well, I suppose it is to be expected- after all, the Bible does give ample warning about falseness, doesnt it?

    Reply
  16. okechukwu elosiuba

     /  October 11, 2013

    Before we all start layin blames on d so Pastors…whose fault is it??? Do you blame the Devil for being Devilish??? Or the so called Sister that fell prey from sheer naivity???
    By Law Our Dear Pastor Chidi cannot be persecuted Sister Sandra was not a minor nor was she raped ….there was MUTUAL CONSCENT….or did she take leave of her senses when she spent 6months under intensive “MILK THERAPY” only to realise the pastor was a fake when the Milk didnot wrought the desired Miracle for her
    she’s just as much Ashawo-ish as “sister Tope” and d others
    there are wolves in sheep clothing dat does not mean every Sheep out there is a Wolf….NOW THERE’S A DIFF BETWEEN TRUSTING THE CREDIBILTY OF A PREACHER AND BEING GULLIBLE….the Bible says “Try every Spirit if it be of God” so be on the look out lest u be deceived my kind of Person, nomata ur spiritual port folio u cannot sway me with the Prefix: “God Said” cos I commune wit him too….so wot eva he tells u he must tell me too..cos The Bible says he is not the author of Confussion… i will wait for God to tell me
    DONT BLAME YAHOO BOY FOR OYIBO MAN’S STUPIDITY
    If christians can get “Worded” with God’s true word maybe such scenerios would be rare…

    Reply
  17. Kenny

     /  October 11, 2013

    Oooh goodness! Dis s rili interesting , education nd funny too. Hw did u Eva fink of dis… Wat inspired u? Neva knew u cn be dis creative. I must commend u dear..keep it up. Get more of such stories, compile dem into one book nd publish it for sale..

    Reply
  18. yimu!! milk! all those sisters dey dull oo…. when the man was preaching and Sister Tope was sharing her testimony, could they not decipher where he was going? keep it up Mr Emmanuel

    Reply
  19. Adeline Kasper

     /  October 12, 2013

    Screaming baby girls jst lyk d screaming women!
    Walt, u are 1 hel of a persn! Lwkm!

    Reply
  20. Tony

     /  October 12, 2013

    Very interesting!

    Reply
  21. Lol!
    Nice one

    Reply
  22. Hal

     /  October 12, 2013

    If it were the Milk of God, it should get her pregnant… Are you not judging the Man of God Manny?.

    Reply
  23. Dave

     /  October 12, 2013

    Lmao! Manny, this must be a true life story. . Hahaha….I just visualized how d Pastor was shouting d Praise d Lord and Women’s response to helleluya. All these agbero turned Men of God, that’s wht they do to d sisters. God save us. But Manny, e get any one 4 d men? Since d Milk was xclusively 4 d women.

    Reply
    • Manny Essien

       /  October 12, 2013

      hahaha! dave abeg go siddon for gutter. the milk is strictly for barren women. or are u barren?

      Reply
  24. Manny Essien

     /  October 12, 2013

    Thanks, guyz. How did i come about this idea? A friend showed me a BC about how a pastor told a church member that his “holy milk” would make her get pregnant. i found it hilarious and so came the idea to write a play. I appreciate all the comments and criticisms. But seriously this is just meant for laffs. There is nothing serious about this note. If you had a good laugh, then the aim is achieved!!!

    Reply
  25. LMAO. I read the news item that probably inspired this, but the reworking with humor makes this brilliant. great job, Emmanuel!

    Reply
  26. jeff

     /  October 14, 2013

    Dis is really funny but seriously there are cases like dis which is true o. Made me remember that Power,Enter video dat went viral one time. Milk of God flow and enter

    Reply

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