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  • Walt Shakes

    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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“OK, OK, OK.” Ibuka caved with an abashed smile. “If I tell you everything, you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

We stared at him with identical expressions of affront. We were his best friends. Why would he even think to ask for our strict confidence on the matter?

He looked quickly around and then bent forward. We leaned in. He said in a low tone, “It is China who –”

“I knew it!” Joseph cut in with a roar. Ibuka shot him a look, and he quickly lowered his voice, “I knew it was China –”

“You did not know anything,” I said. “If you knew it, you would have said it before.”

“I did not want to say it because I wanted Ibu to say it.”

“It’s a lie joor. You did not –”

“Can I finish what I was saying?” Ibuka interrupted with a scowl. We refocused on him. He continued, “She gave me the novel today in class. She said she has them plenty, that she likes to read romance novels. She said this one is nice –”

“It is nice, wallai!” I cut in this time, my eyes shining with recollections of what I read.

“You mean am?” Joseph enthused. “Me, I go like read small oh –”

“Haba now!” Ibuka was exasperated. We turned back to him. “So after giving it to me, she told me something…” He started to wring his hands. “Something…that surprised me…and now, I don’t know what to do…”

“What did she tell you?” Joseph asked.

“She told me that…that…” His discomfort was palpable and his eyes skittered about. “Well…that, you know…”

“That what? Say it already.”

“She told me that” – and he dropped his voice to a whisper – “that she would like to kiss me.”

Our jaws dropped and we gaped at him. We were speechless for about five seconds, during which time he darted an anxious gaze from Joseph’s shocked face to mine.

“Say something nah…” he said hesitantly.

“When did she say she wanted to kiss you?” Joseph asked.

“Tomorrow.” He seemed distraught by the thought.

“Have you kissed a girl before?” I asked.

He shook his head miserably.

Joseph began briskly, “OK, you know what? I’ll teach you.”

“You will?” Ibuka and I chorused, turning on him identical looks of incredulity.

“Yes nah. I be baba for the thing already nah. So, it’s not a big deal.”

“How will you teach me? Who am I going to kiss – You?!” The disgust on his face was so replete that I burst out into laughter.

Remembering a line from the novel that I skimmed earlier, I quipped, “Yes nah. Just think of Joe’s lips as the tantalizing petals of a rose flower, full and pouty, opening up to the taste of paradise within.”

The two of them stared at me.

I smirked. “What? I read it from Red Hot Lover.”

“Ibu, don’t mind Eze. You don’t have to kiss me. You just have to pretend you’re kissing someone. I’ll teach you how to do it so that you will not go to her and mess up yourself.”

“Oh, Joe…” He was back to wringing his hands.

“Relax. By the time I finish with you and you kiss that girl, hmm, she’ll be begging you for more, and kukumatoast you to be her boyfriend.”

“The Joe, the Joe!” I crowed, laughing.

And so, Operation ‘Teach Ibuka To kiss’ commenced. Joseph took center-stage as the tutor, instructing Ibuka on what to do. “Do your mouth like this.” And he pouted in demonstration. “No, not like that. Ah-ah, do you want to chook her with your mouth? Like this…Eheh!” He nodded in approval. “Now, open your mouth small. No now! You are not going to swallow her mouth. Open your own small…Good. Put your head like this…like this – Eheh! Now when she brings her head close to your own, you bring your own close to hers, until your mouth and her mouth will touch.”

Ibuka gulped hard.

The sound of his anxiety made me laugh again. And I said, “Relax, Ibu. Remember that her mouth will be waiting for you, warm and moist, gentle and teasing, willing to overwhelm you with sensations of desire.”

Again they stared incredulously at me.

I chuckled. “Ah-ah, why unadey look me? I have a sharp memory.”

“A sharp memory that can make you cram Red Hot Lover, but not Inter Science, abi?” Ibuka rejoined.

We laughed at that.

By the end of the one-hour session with Joseph, we were confident that Ibuka had mastered the art of being a good kisser. He had pouted at the air in front of his face, caressed it with his lips, stroked it with his tongue, and held it lovingly to his body with his hands.

Yes! Our boy was all set to rock Ine Johnarry’s world.

The next day was Saturday, and it went by routinely. Prefects were not on active duty, so after breakfast and the morning school sanitation, the rest of the day before lunch was suddenly spread out before us, a promise of leisure and laziness. Some junior students used the free time to do their laundry, some others lazed about in the hostels and classrooms, and others visited the staff quarters to see their guardians and re-stock on provisions and allowance.

The three of us were lounging on Ibuka’s mattress inside the dormitory, chattering and playing a game of cards – Jackpot – with Chibunna, when a JSS1 boy walked in and announced to Ibuka that a girl sent him to call him. A girl who said her name was China, the JSS1 boy reported.

The three of us jumped down from the bunk at once, and started to get dressed.

“Where all of unadeygo?” Chibunna asked, bewildered by the sudden flurry of activity. He was clutching four cards to his chest and had one other he’d been about to pass on to me.

“We are going somewhere,” Joseph said as he peered under the bed for his right slipper.

“To go and see China? But she sent for only Ibuka nah.”

“Yes, but all of us have business with her,” I said as I tucked my shirt into my shorts.

“What kind of business?”

“None of your business,” the three of us chorused, before hurrying out of the dormitory.

The early afternoon was sunny but cool. A slight breeze wafted about, carrying with it the citrusy smell of freshly cut grass and the cheery hubbub of delighted students. It was a good day to be outdoors.

“A good day to be kissed,” Joseph murmured, rubbing his hands together in gleeful anticipation.

“Er, Joe…” A panic-stricken look had descended on Ibuka’s face. “I don’t feel very well. My tummy…” He was clutching at his stomach. “My tummy…I don’t think I can do this…”

“Eh-eh, don’t start now!” Joseph growled. “Don’t just start cutting liver now.”

“I’m not cutting liver,” he protested. “I’m not feeling okay. My tummy is doing one kain –”

“It’s okay,” I said. “Relax, Ibu. What you are feeling are butterflies in your stomach, fluttering up a storm of anxiety and anticipation at the thought –”

“I swear, Eze, if you quote Red Hot Lover one more time eh…” Joseph fumed. He turned to Ibuka, grabbed his shoulders and began in an encouraging tone, “Ibu, don’t be scared. You can do this. It’s not as if you want to go and kiss a girl who you don’t know whether she likes you or not. Clearly, China likes you. She’s into you. She even told you she wants to kiss you. So go and do this for yourself, and for us, and for all the boys who have no hope of kissing anyone.” He shot this salvo with an askance look at me.

“Hey!” I snapped. “I have hope. Very soon, it will be my turn with Anulika.”

“When you wake up from that dream, we’ll go for thanksgiving,” he sallied back.

Ibuka giggled.

At the sound of his mirth, Joseph beamed at him, clapping him on his upper arm. “Morale don high, eh Ibu? Good, very good. My boy is back!”

“But wait, why are the two of you even going with me?”

“To see how the thing will go down, of course,” I answered.

“To make sure you don’t go there, do nothing and then come back and tell us you did something,” Joseph added.

“But where will the two of you be?”

“Don’t worry,” Joseph said, shoving him forward. “Just go. We’ll follow. And believe me when I say, we’ll also be watching.”

And so, we followed Ibuka from a discrete distance. We already knew where Ine was waiting – in JSS2F, the one classroom in the JSS2 block that got very quickly deserted when there were no class activities. We planned to watch our friend’s first kiss by peeping through one of the classroom’s windows while remaining out of sight.

We watched him approach the block. He ambled past his own classroom. We saw Ine materialize out from behind the gmelina tree towering on the edge of JSS2C’s courtyard. Ibuka stopped. We stopped, and watched the two of them talk for a short moment. Then Ine took his hand and led him toward the end of the block. We hurried forward, and when we got to the block, we dropped our pace to a tiptoed crouch. The last thing we wanted was for Ine to hear us coming. As we came closer to JSS2F, we could hear the murmur of their muted conversation. Actually, Ine was talking, and Ibuka was muttering monosyllabic responses.

“So have you read the novel?”


“Have you finished it?”


“Do you like it?”


“When you finish it, maybe I’ll give you another one…?”


There was a pause. Joseph and I had gotten to the window we preferred. We hunkered down beneath the sill, and then slowly arched our necks upward to peer through the window’s burglary proof. The windows in the class facing the sun cast a large checkerboard of brilliant noon sunlight on the concrete floor. The two of them stood in the corner shadowed by a wall; Ine’s back was to us, Ibuka stood facing her.

“Well…” she began hesitantly. “So…”

I saw Ibuka’s chest lift and descend, as though he had taken a deep breath. His throat worked as he swallowed and his tongue flicked out to quickly moisten his lips.

God please, don’t let him have a heart attack oh, I thought and bit my lip in an effort to stifle my laughter at the thought.

He moved forward a step. Ine drew closer to him too. He shut his eyes, tilted his head to one side and puckered his lips, craning his neck forward. Ine seemed a little taken aback by the suddenness of his move, before she went forward to meet his mouth with hers. Their lips touched and their hands hung limply by their sides. They seemed frozen by the contact.

“Grab her body! Grab her body!” I heard Joseph hiss under his breath, and I jabbed him with my elbow to silence him.

We watched as they simply stood there like two statues joined together at the mouth. A moment passed. And then, a growling rumble tore through the still atmosphere. They sprang apart. Ibuka looked panicked as he clutched at his stomach. The rumble resonated again, and this time, it was followed by the squealching sound of a fart.

I cringed.

Joseph closed his eyes.

Ine gasped. “Oh my God! Ibuka, are you –”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” And he turned and fled from the classroom in a hurried waddle. As he tore down the corridor, he saw us. Emotions seesawed across his face. Anger.Shame.Misery.Disappointment. “I told you I was not feeling well!” he stopped to spit at us. “I told you my tummy…I told you…!” His diatribe was cut short when his stomach growled again.

With tears starting to streak down his face, he ran past us, leaving us to follow disconsolately after him.

I am @Walt_Shakes on Twitter1black-and-white-boy-couple-girl-kiss

Leave a comment


  1. chika

     /  October 19, 2013

    Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahah! Ibuka you did not…..holy crap!…what the hell men! I mean couldn’t you have held it in?

  2. Maryann

     /  October 19, 2013

    Walter, what’s with all these sensual pictures o! Lol

  3. ovuede uyi

     /  October 19, 2013

    Ibuka is such a chicken!lwkmd!

  4. Loool…eeya. Poor boy.

  5. You are mischievous Eze. Good one

  6. consyspark

     /  October 19, 2013

    ehya.. wat a pitty for ibuka… buh walter hiw come all of a sudden china became ine?? is that her real name

  7. anderson

     /  October 19, 2013

    Walter oo…*preeet* Oops.

  8. okechukwu elosiuba

     /  October 19, 2013

    OMGness I didnt see these episodes on my T.L ontime…shakes y didnt u tell me about this naarr….so i take it that the P.C containin our most treasured archive is back….

  9. Harmeet

     /  October 19, 2013

    Walter ooo! Lwkmd! Nice job on taking us from the fun to the disappointment.

  10. Adeline Kasper

     /  October 19, 2013

    Hahahaha!! Poor Ibu!

  11. kene kingsley

     /  October 19, 2013

    Loool… He gt the kiss sha, that’s wat counts… The picture at the end of the story… E no follow atall #jstsayin.. 9ce story..

  12. Excellency

     /  October 20, 2013


  13. Michelle

     /  October 20, 2013

    What the…..!!! Ouch…
    Really nice, Walt. Thumbs up.

  14. okwy obu

     /  October 20, 2013

    Lol. What I enjoyed about this is the way the writer has been able to successfully paint the portrait of early adolescence with these characters. And the comic relief at the end – unexpected, hence doubly delightful – is tastefully done. Well done. The bildungsroman is beautifully shaping up.

  15. Nik

     /  October 21, 2013

    Chai eze will not be disclosed death of me. Hahahaha, practicing how to kiss the mirror was a great companion then. Good old memories. He hehe.

  16. ij

     /  October 21, 2013

    ibuka don fu*ck up oooo..

  17. Walter killed it! see my aunt thinks I yaf craze cause of my laughness

  18. Eze self get sharp memory by force

  19. Newton

     /  October 27, 2013

    Truly, you couldn’t have captured a more dramatic ending. So epic! I had a good laugh. Oh dear, poor Ibu!

  20. Oh my! Poor boy….

  21. Nwukabu Danjuma

     /  November 8, 2013

    Please when will Eze resume school?

  22. obinna

     /  November 9, 2013

    hahahhah mehn walter u’re gud jare. am rily waitin 4 wen dis trio wud enta ss3. it wud b smfin else

  23. firstlady Temidayo

     /  November 9, 2013

    The last time Eze went to school is Oct 19… Whaaaat happppen? Eze don fail be dat oooo… Anywayz, walter please pay his school and hostel fee so dat he will resume back to d waiting arms of ibu and bros J… Let Eze go back to schooool pls.

  24. pholy...

     /  November 10, 2013

    walter how farr na?? let eze go to school o…sinceeee ..lol nyce job….oya continue

  25. Hehehehehe…Ibuka no try o


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