OPEN LETTER TO GOD

It’s a season of letters in my dear country, Nigeria, so I’ve decided to join the trend. I’m writing this letter to God Almighty, yeske! I don’t have time to be writing mere mortals who would deny, counter-deny, reply, pseudo-reply and in the end, just make letter writing boring. Be ye not deceived, I write this, being of sound mind and health *sips GIN*

Baba God, furst of all (I know some bad shudren will say ‘go down low’), I wantu give you all the tuale for this year 2013 dat af fly and pass so. If not fo you ehn, kasala for full my dormot, all my henemies and shenemies for dey carry me laff, dey do yagayaga. But, as per say na you hold my back gidigba, I stan wel wel. Na only you oh! Baba, na you dey do am.

Dear God, you instructed us to ‘go forth and multiply’. Truly, you’ve equipped us with all we need to multiply, but Sir, the price of Pampers/Huggies, the bill for crèche/playgroup ALONE, is enough to make one change the multiplication sign to cancel. So please Dear Lord, in this 2014, provide this writer (and reader, if they want) with the means to buy his dream car, build his dream house, provide for the ‘multiplication’ and of course, don’t forget to add to the mix, the means to maintain all aforementioned.

This 2014 is a very important year for Nigeria, we now wonder who is the lesser evil between PDP and APC, all these defections, visits, wooing, realignment, reconstituting, etc have all but left one confused. Please help us separate the wheat from the chaff in this New Year. Let Nigerians be able to see clearly. In fact, you’re free to use the Abacha separation technique, who can question you?

For those beating the drum beats of war; please send them to S/Sudan and CAR just before you give those countries peace, so that they will know what it feels like. For the real stubborn ones, please dump them in Western Sahara, they’re of no use to us here.

Please give us artistes with brain, people that would sing and act classics, not these dundunkendun. Yes! Their songs provide temporary elixir but you know the moral songs of Haruna Ishola are still relevant today (especially the one about bleaching).

As for those Pastors you didn’t send but they sent themselves, Baba God, it’s not a bad idea to use like two as an example this year. Please let their yeye be resounding.

For the families of dear ones we’ve lost over the years (not like Royal Amebo o), please continue to uphold them and give them the fortitude to bear the irreparable loss.

My warm regards to your son, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, who I know would help me rearrange the prayers in this letter, for I know not how to pray. Amen.

Written by Oluwatolulope Obarotimi, @tee_omobaLetters to God 1

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13 Comments

  1. This ridiculously hilarious.

    Reply
  2. Amen!!!! *sips gin with u* looking ahead to 2014…

    Wonderfully written, I like d comedy in it…even God can’t help but laugh.

    Reply
  3. abikoye

     /  December 31, 2013

    Wonderful…..have read this open letter over and over again and I know the Holy Spirit would indeed help to rearrange the prayers in this letter, for we all know not how to pray….and thanks Walter for this.

    Reply
  4. Excellency

     /  December 31, 2013

    😀

    Reply
  5. Ini

     /  December 31, 2013

    So funny. Ameeeeeen o

    Reply
  6. The third paragraph cracked me up real good…and the bit about two self sent pastors being used as examples…i say a loud amen.

    Reply
  7. LMAO. That part about artists killed me. Quite hilarious.

    Reply
  8. Lmaooooooooooo. Okay. Bye bye.

    Reply
  9. Candor_

     /  December 31, 2013

    So funny…
    Quick prayer.
    Dear God, may the ink in the writer’s pen nevr run dry, Amen!

    Reply
  10. Babade Ayobayo

     /  January 1, 2014

    You sure know how to pray. This is hillarious. For me, it’s a good way to start the year. Happy New Year dear writer and readers.

    Reply
  11. Harmeet

     /  January 1, 2014

    Rotflmao.. Thank God you address am to God. Angel Mike fit laf then forget to post the letter. Nice one. God is watching you on HD sha.

    Reply
  12. Bimbo

     /  January 1, 2014

    Nice one Bro, am sharing this. More ink for your pen IJN. Amen

    Reply

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