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  • Walt Shakes

    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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FIRST WORD…!

When I blinked awake at the first light of dawn on this first day of 2014, I glanced at my phone and saw a ping from a friend. She had a question – Did you make any New Year resolutions?

Of course I didn’t. I think New Year resolutions are a cliché, a waste of breath, governed by some regret from the ending year and a hope for the new year. And then I was going through some old write-ups and I dug up a piece I’d like to share with you. A satirical piece about resolutions that I wrote some years back (I think I was doing my NYSC then), and I hope you will now enjoy.

*

When New Year started, most of us started putting into practice the resolutions that we will probably break by the time Easter swings by. We are only humans, after all. However, I have made five resolutions which I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to keep.

My first resolution is to quit being a Facebook junkie. When I think about all the money that I’ve flushed down the drain for the sake of purchasing laptop internet connections, MTN Data Plan, cybercafé browsing and Blackberry connections, I get the jitters. Then I ask myself: If I’d saved all that money, isn’t there a chance I could have been well on the way to being one of Forbes’ richest young entrepreneurs? That is, an entrepreneur from doing the business of…of…er…um…Well, that’s not the point! The point is, with the amount of time I’ve put into facebooking, I might as well be awarded a membership of its Board of Directors. <eyes suddenly gleaming with excitement> Uuuh, director! Imagine me chairing the affairs of…of…er…uh… [Hello? Walter] Yes, not the point either! The point is I’ve got to quit. And I’ll get started as soon as I’m done posting this note. Oh, and uh…after updating my status; and answering the notifications that’ll follow; and wrapping up my messages; and ogling Jane’s latest pics; and dissing Chrome, Kaynna, Nnamso and…well, Enobong? And…<breaking into sobs> I quit, goddamnit!

My second resolution is to be more honest to people. In Facebook [there’s that word again], I really must stop saying Kaynna looks dashing in his pics when in reality, he actually looks like a gutted stockfish. Oh wait, I did that already. I must stop pretending I’m all about being BFFs with a certain hottie in my life, when all I wanna do when I look into those bottomless brown eyes is grab a-hold. [Paparazzi and gossipy fellows, stay away from this comment!] And I have to stop telling some friends and relatives how much I miss them when I’m helping rear a huge Bull-Mastiff that is trained to rip their throats out should they come within 500 ft of my residence.

My third resolution is to be kinder to both humans and animals. When I’m in my place, starving, I really must stop thinking about the different ways to slaughter that chicken that keeps haughtily matching into my compound. When those begrimed, dusty-fingered beggarly children on the streets come towards me, imperiously snatching at my clothes, I should just ignore the dusty handprints on my neatly-pressed Versace T-shirt, smile warmly and hand them each 50-naira notes.

My fourth resolution is to be decent. I shall stop downloading sexy pictures of celebrities from the internet, and concentrate on downloading instead inspirational books authored by the likes of…em…er…Oh, what the hell! I’ll get someone to give me the names.

My fifth resolution is to be happy. When I’m broke and I get to the bank a few minutes after four on a Friday, and security won’t let me in, I will be cheerful. Who cares if my ATM card isn’t functioning? When PHCN zaps off the electricity right when Angelina Jolie is about to pull a stunt in a movie I’m avidly watching, I won’t curse. When the well and boreholes get locked up and I have to rub-and-shine my ass off to work, I will grin. When my boss chews that ass off in front of the sexy secretary, I will wipe my mind blank of any murderous thoughts. When a harried politician decides he doesn’t need my magu-magu services anymore and takes his money-riven business to another corper, I will smile and congratulate the lucky bastard. [Sorry, that slipped out] When I find my Blackberry has been stolen and 30 grand has just gone down the drain, I will be grateful for small mercies. At least, I’m still alive. Happiness must not be wasted on trivial setbacks.

Yes, folks, that’s it for the year. Don’t laugh at my pledges, because with a bit of patience and alcohol [God knows I’ll be needing them], I just might excel in them all.

I hope you all manage to stick to your resolutions [for those of you who managed to make any]. And if you cannot, there is always next year.

I am @Walt_Shakes on twittershutterstock_62795851

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25 Comments

  1. New year unresolotion methink.

    Reply
  2. alexie

     /  January 1, 2014

    Lol….nw im tinkin of mkin resolutions,nt kipin dem nd beatin myself up lata

    Reply
  3. Ifureuwem Udofa

     /  January 1, 2014

    Such lofty heights. Oh Well… How many did you keep through January. LOL!!!

    Reply
  4. Err….resolutions? So, (looks under footmat) where’s my jotter?

    Reply
  5. LMAO. New year resolutions just ain’t it. A calendar change can’t really change who you are. Change comes when you really want it. First post of the year…oshey!

    Reply
  6. Eseosa

     /  January 1, 2014

    🙂 maybe next year wil make my resolutions

    Reply
  7. Wow…Nice! first of all, happy new year!
    Secondly, I don’t believe in new year resolutions either, and like you, I will dig out a post I wrote some years back. I hope you like it when it’s up.
    Thirdly, looking forward to juicy reads on my mind mind snaps…I’m sure you won’t disappoint.
    *off to go eat chicken*

    Reply
  8. MztaPaul

     /  January 1, 2014

    “…I should just ignore the dusty handprints on my neatly-pressed Versace T-shirt, smile warmly and hand them each 50-naira notes…”

    Well, that’s a wrong motive for giving. I don’t consider that charitable.

    Reply
  9. MztaPaul

     /  January 1, 2014

    My new year’s resolutions:

    1024 X 768,
    800 X 600,
    640 X 480,
    320 X 240.

    Reply
  10. Folu

     /  January 1, 2014

    nice.

    Reply
  11. Lol! This was a fun read!
    Don’t do new year resolutions anymore. I daily strive to be a better person and that’s it 🙂
    Happy new year!

    Reply
  12. obinna lawrence

     /  January 1, 2014

    Ve made so many resolutions… Nd ve broken every one of them.. Doesn’t stop me from making new ones each yr

    Reply
  13. Kachi

     /  January 1, 2014

    New year resolutions!? Have given up on those long before I even decided to give up on them… Mchwww, shit never works abeg..

    Reply
  14. elrombi

     /  January 1, 2014

    Hmmmmmmm, Walt no alcohol for u ooooooo

    Reply
  15. claudia

     /  January 1, 2014

    Hmmmmm……one can always hope

    Reply
  16. adaeze lemmy

     /  January 2, 2014

    While making new year resolutions, focus on your strenghts and how to maximise them and not just your weaknesses. We dont always have to make resolutions for “fresh starts and second chances”. Resolutions can also be about being consistent in something you already do well. Also, set small realizable goals, you could break them down into the different quarters of the year.

    Reply
  17. Nwechi

     /  January 3, 2014

    Oh Wally Wally Wally!which Versace shirt Abeg.

    Reply
  18. Yemie

     /  January 3, 2014

    Walter,I’m loving the new and improved look. Talk ’bout going digital, posts are only a click away. Great initiative. That’s one fulfilled new year resolution for you ei, many more to go am sure and take it easy on the booze while you’re at it o. Lol! Enjoyed reading this hilarious piece, tx for sharing.

    Reply

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