This is a Facebook update that belongs to a friend of mine, Eketi Ette. It’s her satiric reaction to the certain ambiguousness inherent in the bill reportedly signed by President Jonathan which criminalizes same-sex relationships and gay rights groups in Nigeria. It’s a hilarious read. Enjoy.
(I can no longer address you as girlfriends)
DUE TO THE NEW LAW BANNING SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS, please note that I shall no longer be able to do the following:
1. Address you as ‘dearie, sweetie, my lovie, girlfriend mi,’ etc. These names may be misconstrued by some overzealous law enforcement olopa. Henceforth, I shall address you by name….Esther, Bola, Emem etc
2. I shall no longer hug, blow kisses, hold hands, or engage in any body contact with you. If we’re caught, the “evidence” would be worse than calling you pet names. Only handshakes and eyebrow wiggles are now allowed.
I shall also cease to send smileys like hearts, kisses, hugs. Do not send them to me either or I shall have to unfriend you to guarantee my continued freedom.
3. Dancing together at parties is now forbidden.
If you see me especially in public places, please refrain from excitedly waving at me. A Queen-Elizabeth happiness-deficient wave will do. Anything else and I will summarily ignore you.
4. In the event that you want to proclaim your love for me, please do well to add the word “agape” at the end. Not adding this word will bring our wonderful friendship to a summary end. I’m saying this because, I LOVE YOU AGAPELY and do not want us in the women’s section of Kirikiri Maximum.
5. It is now dangerous for us to share bathroom time. Please wait until I’m through or you can find somewhere else to have your bath.
Girls Night Out and sleepovers are here on banned. Stay in your house so we can still have our liberty. If wish to visit me and I have no guest room, please bring along your mattresses and room dividers.
No more cash gifts; they may think I’m giving you money as a lover would.
No more lifts; endure the sun or rain or buy your car.
I trust you will abide by these new resolutions. Fourteen years is a long time and I am not Mandela.
Thank you for cooperating. I love you agapely.