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    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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Hilarious! The Things They Say…in reaction to the anti-gay law

This is a Facebook update that belongs to a friend of mine, Eketi Ette. It’s her satiric reaction to the certain ambiguousness inherent in the bill reportedly signed by President Jonathan which criminalizes same-sex relationships and gay rights groups in Nigeria. It’s a hilarious read. Enjoy.


(I can no longer address you as girlfriends)

DUE TO THE NEW LAW BANNING SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS, please note that I shall no longer be able to do the following:

1. Address you as ‘dearie, sweetie, my lovie, girlfriend mi,’ etc. These names may be misconstrued by some overzealous law enforcement olopa. Henceforth, I shall address you by name….Esther, Bola, Emem etc

2. I shall no longer hug, blow kisses, hold hands, or engage in any body contact with you. If we’re caught, the “evidence” would be worse than calling you pet names. Only handshakes and eyebrow wiggles are now allowed.

I shall also cease to send smileys like hearts, kisses, hugs. Do not send them to me either or I shall have to unfriend you to guarantee my continued freedom.

3. Dancing together at parties is now forbidden.

If you see me especially in public places, please refrain from excitedly waving at me. A Queen-Elizabeth happiness-deficient wave will do. Anything else and I will summarily ignore you.

4. In the event that you want to proclaim your love for me, please do well to add the word “agape” at the end. Not adding this word will bring our wonderful friendship to a summary end. I’m saying this because, I LOVE YOU AGAPELY and do not want us in the women’s section of Kirikiri Maximum.

5. It is now dangerous for us to share bathroom time. Please wait until I’m through or you can find somewhere else to have your bath.

Girls Night Out and sleepovers are here on banned. Stay in your house so we can still have our liberty. If wish to visit me and I have no guest room, please bring along your mattresses and room dividers.

No more cash gifts; they may think I’m giving you money as a lover would.

No more lifts; endure the sun or rain or buy your car.

I trust you will abide by these new resolutions. Fourteen years is a long time and I am not Mandela.

Thank you for cooperating. I love you agapely.

Yours sincerely,


Leave a comment


  1. joyexcel

     /  January 16, 2014

    Eki,Pls don’t crack my ribs wit lafter. Seriously I don’t think its as bad as u portray.

  2. Misola

     /  January 16, 2014

    Lmao!!!!! I don die oooo. So hilarious.

  3. Yemie

     /  January 16, 2014

    LMAO! Omo see gobe o, e don kukuma be! Chai! Nice one Eketi. This is a certified rib cracker.

  4. carsten

     /  January 16, 2014


  5. abikoye

     /  January 16, 2014

    Eketi will murder me with laugh……I never knew I and my little cousin Victoria nuisance waving will be given so much solemn recognition ” the Queen-Elizabeth happiness-deficient wave” am so happy. Always wanted to turn that into a habit anyway where people will not to raise eyebrow and think have got webbed fingers. Finally I can 🙂

  6. Lol! Hilarious!

  7. Nonso

     /  January 16, 2014

    Ok this is really funny. The first laugh I have had all day.

  8. Eketi no go kee person. This one left me in stitches!

  9. Lmao… I love you agapely…. lmfao

  10. I can’t laugh o.

  11. lol! 14 years is indeed a long time abeg…we surely don’t have Mandela’s “grace”.

    Hahaha. This is epic!!!

  12. Eky

     /  January 17, 2014

    Amazing how the mind thinks…lwkmd
    This is wow.

  13. Eky

     /  January 17, 2014

    Everyone needs a good laff today….m sharing this with the world

  14. Aibee

     /  January 17, 2014

    LOL! Indeed, the ramifications of the law are very scary. No more girlfriends oh. Thanks Ema Leecious for referring me to this.

  15. Glorious.

  16. BharieyThiboy

     /  January 17, 2014

    Lmao. This is just Hilarious. Hahahahahahahahaha.

  17. abikoye

     /  January 17, 2014

    Sum pple in d comment section is still saying “lmfao” abeg,I no dey o if dem carry u all for soliciting in public or carry u all as gay grp ehnnnn

    N sumone callin anoda “…licious”widout d fear of God or 14yrs in kirikiri. Fia!…. uve got guts n Mandela’s grace

    Eketi has spoken o,let dem who have ears n brain,do ryt
    Let dem hear wot Jonathan has said to his pple:D

    Comment by Bukky

  18. “ First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out– Because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out– Because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out– Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me–and there was no one left to speak for me. ” In as much as we fail to understand why some people will choose to be homosexual yet I wonder if it is right for me to deny anyone his or her right when such rights do not stop or violate my own basic rights. Simply because I don’t see sense in it and I am in the position to decide. Then is it right for me to decide how people live their lives when their decision does not affect how I live my life? If our decisions be based on religious sake then we must insist that everyone must belief in God. Then if people have the right to religion of which has caused problem more than the fools that failed to belief, then is it right for us to impose our religious views on others when they have the right to choose what to belief. Now this strange belief of homosexuality comes up, are we justified to deny people their belief simply because we do not support it even though they took nothing away from us. History has always been same whenever strange beliefs comes up. That is why you were persecuted because of your religion. That is why people hate you because of the colour of your skin. That is why women had to fight for equity etc it had to be because peoole did not want to welcome what they do not support or understand. The funniest thing is that at each stage, the persecuted becomes the persecutor because men fail to learn from their own pains in their struggle. These homosexuals have home and families which mostly belong to one religion or another. People fail to put their house in order and expect magic to happen. That is same reason Nigeria is religious not to stop corruption, abuse of political powers among others. Yet, it is same politicans that has made their decision as the expected saints. It takes courage to give people such rights that we fail to understand.

  19. This can sound funny but is what you have in the law I wish Nigerian can forget the title and face the content. Soon, we all will be sent to jail GAY or no GAY.

  20. Eseosa

     /  January 19, 2014

    Hahaha, but dis is true ooo, less show of affection 4 my friends or family so far ur a lady in public.

  21. ebony87

     /  February 17, 2014

    Eki, you are one funny lass. Hehehehe. I can’t help but laugh. Female friends, please take note.

  22. MztaPaul

     /  February 17, 2014

    Ehen na, u no be Mandela jare!

  23. Emeka Odiamma

     /  February 25, 2014

    Aren’t these homosexual topics very stale? Can’t we talk on something positive for Africa? Whether we are pro or anti, we should drop the talks and move on to better things. It’s sexual related, for living sake, and we are not suppose to let such issue linger more than it has. Who in his right mind, would be reasoning sex when his house is on fire? Pro Or Anti, if you keep on the topics then you are very dumb or evil and mischievous like Obama and his people who are blocking our focus by being on the matter instead of on the solution to tackle REAL African problems.

    • Dumb, evil or mischievous. . . Guy, relax. There is no statute of limitations on the duration of anyone’s expression of his opinion. If you feel you’ve exhausted your opinion of the law, it’s fine. But don’t compel others to follow suit.


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