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Tobe Writes: THE MATHEMATICS OF LOVE

FOREWORD: What you are about to read is a figment of my musing. It should not be seen as pedagogy or as a philosophy. Even if it has to been seen as a philosophy, it is at best speculative philosophy not analytic or prescriptive. Though I have an inner witness to the validity of my postulation, however, I do not believe it is conclusive or cast in stone. Having said this, it is noteworthy to clarify that love in this piece is used mainly to denote relationship, the act of being in a relationship.

*

As a young man, I have been in myriad relationships. As at the last count, I have been in close to ten relationships. Nevertheless, I still believe my experience does not guarantee me the undisputable authority to write on this auspicious but complex issue. But, as a writer and a social observer, it is expected of me to pen my musing.

For starters, I have always been interested in having an in-depth understanding of the missing rib mystery. This interest of mine got me attracted to any book that elucidated on how to find my better half. Some of these books were helpful, while some were just another book. However, I feel I have learnt more from my experience than from all the books I have read on relationships. My experience has led me to form a theory of love, this theory is what I have termed the Mathematics of Love.

First, I will say that one of the beautiful fallacies that have continued to delude many is the age long cliché: Love is Blind. The book of Proverbs 18 verse 22 says, and I quote, He that findeth a wife has found a good thing… The anchor verb in this scripture is ‘find’, and no one closes his eyes while finding, save the person is born blind. The realization that every single person is – or will one day be – in the process of finding the right one, I believe, is a serious affair which no right thinking person should leave to Mother Luck or blindness.

Many relationships or affairs end as hurriedly as they started because the parties involved got attracted to each other without knowing if the other was truly what he/she was looking for. Anybody looking for something should know the statistics of the subject or object of interest. If you are looking for a dog and do not know the colour, the size, the dentition, the behavioural pattern or the specie of the dog, the probability of ending up with any kind of dog or a cat or hyena that looks like a dog is high.

So it is in this search of a partner. One needs to be braced with certain facts and statistics before one ventures out to find. After all, it is said that good generals win the war in their tent before they go into the battlefield.

On this note I say, if you do your homework or arithmetic very well, your chances of finding a good partner outweighs the odds. And, if you fail to do your assignment, then your chances of ending up with a bad husband/wife is at best inevitable. If this is true, what it implies is that those who enjoy happy relationships did some certain things (I believe no success is by accident). Please on this note I warn, we should not mistake happy relationships with big mansions and high ranking couples. A happy relationship has only one attribute, which only those in it know and enjoy – inner peace. So, what is this formula that those that enjoy inner peace applied to get this priceless gift?

One, I believe those that enjoy inner peace knew what they wanted when they were searching. Thus, they started off, mentally ready. One common error I have noticed is that some people search for what they are not yet ready for. For one to search for a partner, I believe one has to be mentally matured for the intrigues and stringent commitment cum compromises that come with a relationship lifestyle – there is no reason one should freestyle in the kitchen if he/she cannot bear or withstand the fire and smokes from the cooking. Maturity no doubt is NOT a function of age; it is the resilient commitment to the act of accepting and facing responsibility without looking back. So the number one formula is, being mentally matured for the task.

The formula two: do you really know yourself? One must know oneself thoroughly before one begins this search. The result of this information will aid one in determining the kind of person he/she needs, to complement him/her. The Holy Book says, One shall chase a thousand and two shall chase ten thousand. If one does not understand oneself, the risk of settling for the wrong partner is high. And, when the wrong partner is chosen, instead of the two chasing ten thousand (making increase) the two will drive out the initial thousand. After completing this depleting task, they will face themselves and begin to drive out each other.

One mistake some people often delude themselves with is, because they are good, they automatically feel they can work or stay with any kind of person, whether good or bad. This is a first class error. If a good person can stay with any kind of person, then there is no need to find. Finding is a process of search, and searching is a critical, qualitative and arithmetical task. In fact, I believe nobody is bad, everybody is good, what makes a person look bad is when that person aligns with another good person who is not the right person for him/her. So, this search is not one of finding a good person, but a function of finding the right person. Human beings are bunch of keys and masses of doors; our duty in this life is to find the person wielding the key to our door and whom we are in turn the key to the person’s door.

The book of Ecclesiastics says, Can two walk together unless they agree? ‘Agree’ here means: complement, understand, acclimatize. Therefore, one needs to find the kind of person that he/she can walk together with so that there can be harmony, so that they chase ten thousand, so that they can achieve dual inner peace.

It goes without argument, then, that before one can find the right missing rib, one has to know oneself first: one has to know his purpose, the direction he wants his life to go, his likes and dislikes, his ideological disposition – that is, his orientation about life –, and his strengths and weaknesses as a person. If one does not truly, with sound equanimity, know the answer to these questions, I believe the person has no business finding who he wants to be with. And, any lady that goes to be with such a person is placing herself at the risk of being hurt.

I believe it is at this stage that the foundation of a successful union or the unmaking of any union is laid. When we get to this stage of finding the right person, and choose someone because of mundane reasons like beauty, height, financial strength, tribe, religion, over virtues like integrity, righteous living, patience, teachable spirit, honesty and hard work, then we are building on rubbles without knowing.

To understand this, we should cast our minds to the first verse: He who finds a wife has found a good thing. The question now is, what is the good thing? Is it money, beauty, family pride or is it the listed virtues? There is no gainsaying that a man of means or a woman with beauty without the aforementioned virtues is a risk. Virtues are solid foundations that can never be shaken by the inevitable circumstance that life is flowered with. I believe, if one becomes an embodiment of these good virtues, these virtues will lead him to the right person or the right key that will open his door. After all, it is said that, like attracts like.

It will be suicidal for anyone who knows his or her purpose to choose someone who lacks drive and does not even want to have any direction. However, it will be more suicidal and heart-wrenching to find someone who has a purpose and understands the task ahead but has no regard for the listed virtues. Such a fellow will disappoint and compromise on principles when faced with challenges – which will definitely come. Any relationship that is not built on the unshakable principle of virtue will cave in after incessant faking and patching.

On this note I surmise, it is safe for a fool to unite with a fool, an idiot with a fellow idiot, a half baked virtuous man with a half baked virtuous woman. Any principled fellow that compromises to settle for someone of less virtue is preparing a requiem mass of experiencing a taste of hell while on earth. Any fellow that is trying to find a virtuous partner without being one will attract a fellow con star. Any fellow that starts this journey without a good understanding of his or herself is romancing a sleeping dog. It is expedient for one to get his calculus right before one crosses the Rubicon to avoid everyday midnight prayer, abuse, infidelity, insult, regret and heart attack.

I strongly believe in the mathematics of seed, time and harvest. And as such, it is wise for one to do his homework. By doing his homework, I mean, an adequate understanding of what he is about to get himself into, appraise himself to know if he is ready for it, assess his strengths and weaknesses, then seek out for the virtuous person to complement them. Finding the right person is the acme of a relationship. This acme is the Eldorado state the philosopher called: Two is better than one.

As the 19th century philosopher, James Allen posits: Only by ordering one’s deeds in accordance with fixed principles is perfect surety, perfect security and peace is obtained amid the uncertainty of events and the turbulent tempest of life. To this end I say, consciously aligning ourselves to these fixed principles is the mathematics of love, and unconsciously or consciously ignoring these fixed principles is the tragedy of love.

May GOD open our eyes of understanding.

Written by Tobe Osigwe.

Please, I can only respond via email tobbyosigwe@yahoo.com or via Twitter @ikolondigbo.holding hands

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5 Comments

  1. very very helpful theory. tnx for sharing.

    Reply
  2. Interesting theory…thanks for sharing…

    Reply
  3. Anyanya Bassey

     /  February 14, 2014

    The formula, the steps, the calculations, the differentials and integrals…… and the result are……wow! Calculus!

    Reply
  4. Yemie

     /  February 14, 2014

    Great thinking and analysis you did here for those seeking a life partner. The popular saying ‘Love is blind’ is so over-rated and its interesting how you were able to use the biblical verse ‘he who finds a wife found a good thing’ to show that whoever is ‘finding’ a spouse needs to have all their senses wide open and aint nothing ‘blind’ ’bout that at all. And in addition to this, the fact that the good thing found as being substance, virtues and not superficials. After all, the Bible says the things we see are temporal, and the unseen eternal. Those unseen things are the virtues, a person’s very essence or substance and these are needed for a lasting relationship.

    Thanks for this piece, as always; you made loads of sense and I’d say your mathematics of love manual comes highly recommended. Kudos to you.

    Reply
  5. beautiful write up, well thought and largely true. I quite agree with these assertions…love is not blind…it is mostly a choice based on sound reasoning. there is a place for divine guidance too afterall ‘the way of a man is not in himself to direct his way…’

    Reply

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