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  • Walt Shakes

    Walt Shakes

    Walter Ude (@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter. He blogs at mymindsnaps.wordpress.com.

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MY PASTOR SAID. . .

Remember Eketi? That delightfully funny friend of mine whose satiric anti-gay post got more than a few laughs here? (Read HERE) Well, she’s at it again. This one is more of an admonition though, than it is geared to amuse. But she hits some very high points. Read and enjoy.

*

wasting_preaching_851281052Someone recently asked for tips on what to do on dates with her fiancé and someone’s honest reply was “Ask your pastor…..he will guide you.”

I must have missed the memo that appointed many pastors as professional matchmakers. They now run lucrative matchmaking services in their places of worship, in addition to the work of pastoring. It is appalling to increasingly find men and women, who delegate the task off spouse-finding to their pastors and some who manage to find for themselves are discouraged or turned away from their choices, all in the name of “My pastor said she/he is not the right one for me.”

See, it is an insult to God if you refuse to use the common-sense and intuition He freely gave to you, in addition to the unlimited access to Him.

How can a young man say, “Ma, I loved Sister Choice and I wanted to marry her but my pastor said that he’s looked into the future and that she will bring me heartache; that Sister Alternative is better for me as she’s already a member of our church and a committed worker.” Did you ask that pastor which crystal ball he used to divine your future? Did you go back to God and pray, asking him if this was the right choice for you? No. You go and get married to Sister Alternative and tomorrow, begin to add to the prayer-lists of others and the bank accounts of professional marriage counselors and therapists.

And you woman that has turned down several marriage proposals because your pastor told you that they aren’t truly heaven-bound until he joins your church . . . I truly feel sorry for you. You think it is a coincidence that none of those men worship in your church or that for the life of you, you can’t seem to find any man in your church that you like? Stay there and wait for the pastor’s final say, inugo?

I had a friend whose pastor told her not to marry her fiancé. He told her his brother in the United States was ‘God’s will’ for her. She waited until Mr. Americana showed up. On their first meeting, they sat for an hour together and didn’t exchange more than twenty words. They knew it wouldn’t work and decided to part ways. But did Oga Pastor agree? No. He told them that they needed to try harder. Thank God for my friend who used her brain and high-tailed it out of there.

Whatever happened to the prayer and personally finding out form God, who it is that’s best for you in His will? With convention tags like, “MY FATHER, MY FATHER, WHO STOLE MY WEDDING GOWN?” it is easy to see how far many have fallen in the quest to delegate and surrender their rights and authorities as God’s children.

I was once invited to a program where the ‘minister’ whom we shall call Pastor Prophet (Dr) Preach Sontin, called out phone numbers of spouses. Each ‘revelation session’ went like this: “I’m seeing a number in front of me . . . it’s like 08031 . . . yes, there’s someone here, and your phone number is 08031234567.”

(Here, some woman in the crowd let out an excited scream as she sensed she was about to be ‘visited by the Lord’).

The pastor then continued, “Your future husband’s number is 08023456789. Begin to call that number and contact your spouse!” Many called and hooked up with total strangers, whom they didn’t bother to get to know, because the ‘prophet’ had proclaimed them married by calling out their phone numbers! And the person who invited me dared to say, “Eketi, have faith, he will call your number.” Kai! Person wey for call my number eh, na for State CID e for explain how e take get am!

What am I trying to say? A pastor’s guidance is good, yes. This however does not mean that his word is law and you should abide by ALL he says. This will only lead to you acquiring goat-like qualities and lying outside the church, chewing grass like some church members of a certain Pastor Lesego Daniel did in South Africa some months ago. Or maybe someday (that is if it’s not already happened) people will ask the pastor for when to copulate with their spouses, when to have children, which schools to send them, etc.

You find someone and you like them, by all means, ask God if you should go ahead. He’ll answer. He may speak to you (if you’re in a close relationship with Him, there are ways He must have spoken to you before then. Hear Him for yourself). He may also speak through others, not necessarily your pastor. He always confirms His word. Don’t let someone impose a stranger or someone you don’t like on you.

Your brain is not a vestigial organ; USE IT! The Holy Spirit is not an internal decoration; TALK TO HIM! God is not deaf nor does He need an intermediary; ASK HIM YOURSELF!

This scolding is brought to you by Eketi Ette.

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39 Comments

  1. Lmao. I like this Eketi person already!!

    Reply
  2. Ifureuwem Udofa

     /  February 16, 2014

    Hehehe. I have shown this article to my ‘Pastor’ and he says ‘we are consulting and we will return with a robust response’

    Reply
  3. manny

     /  February 16, 2014

    My pastor says I shoudnt have read this. Lol

    Reply
  4. conatheist

     /  February 16, 2014

    You’re almost athiest. At least, you’re reasoning logically. You need to realize religion doesn’t need reasoning, its all about faith as they say. Its just hilarious that you’re still busy saying people should talk to gods and holy spirits that don’t really exist.

    Reply
    • I really really do not understand your point of view. I thought I was, in the beginning, and then you lost me.

      Reply
    • Dr Aitasweet

       /  February 16, 2014

      Seriously! What are you on about?

      Reply
    • anyibaba

       /  February 17, 2014

      *Steps in again to save the day*
      He believes Eketi has a little atheist in her because she reasons as opposed to the many ‘religious’ people that don’t.
      That’s why he then goes on to find it humorous that she is telling them to communicate with a god or gods he believes don’t exist.
      How can an atheist or in eketis’ case, half atheist, be telling people to believe in what does not exist?
      *Drops mic!” Peace out.

      Reply
  5. Anu

     /  February 16, 2014

    “Your brain is not a vestigial organ; USE IT! The Holy Spirit is not an internal decoration; TALK TO HIM! God is not deaf nor does He need an intermediary; ASK HIM YOURSELF!” Gbam!! Great article Eketi

    Reply
  6. Kelechi

     /  February 16, 2014

    Wow! This is wonderful! Preach sister!!

    Reply
  7. Chimdi Kelechi

     /  February 16, 2014

    Gbam! This is hardcore truth! Amusing, but with many truths. Some will reject this teaching and point to references in the scriptures where kings asked prophets to inquire of God on their behalf before any task was carried out, they forget that Christ has become our mediator; giving us access to his Father’s throne of Grace.
    Well, it is written: “My people perish for lack of knowledge”.

    Reply
  8. chika

     /  February 16, 2014

    Nicely put…..Eketi, call this number to hook up, with your spouse 08037041546

    Reply
  9. Dr Aitasweet

     /  February 16, 2014

    As they say.. Gbam!

    Reply
  10. Yemie

     /  February 16, 2014

    Eketi, You’re soo dead-on! I guess spiritual laziness which most of us are guilty of, in having that close relationship with the Awesome God, whom we can’t see but can see the works His Valiant Hands wroughts,to hear directly from Him, is responsible for all of these. And with the proliferation and bastardization of the Pastoral ministry, with a lot of phonies out there, we all need to be very watchful and prayerful.

    Moreover, God says in His Words ‘Once have I spoken, twice have I heard’. From experience, when God speaks, He still feels the need to re-confirm to His children through another who may or may not be our pastors.

    Thanks for writing and sharing this thought-provoking piece with us, Eketi and Walter. And echoing the words of the wise Tobe Osigwe, may the Good Lord open the eyes of our understanding IJN, Amen. Happy Sunday, y’all. LOL!

    Reply
    • Kachi

       /  February 17, 2014

      @ Yemie u’re a very commited fan of this blog, and I appreciate u for that. but I must say that your comments are almost always long, reasonable but way too lengthy. Wearies people like me who care to go through all the comments on each post, bcos urs is like reading a whole new article altogether. Why not consider starting ur own blog given that u always have a lot to say and comment. Or try and summarise ur comments please?

      Reply
  11. Torpedoezz

     /  February 16, 2014

    Very correct o, its just so annoying. A lot of these ‘Where is my spouse?’ conventions are just badly disguised avenues to exploit 2 of man’s basic needs: faith and love. And the way some people carry their pastors ehn! It makes one wonder if they are following Christ or their pastors. Well done

    Reply
  12. Indeed, you’re after my own heart. 😀

    Why would God give us free will if He intended that we don’t exercise it but depend on pastors and prophets to make decisions for us?

    You didn’t even mention the, ‘God told me you’re my wife/husband’ brigade. That na anoda long gist.

    Reply
  13. Thanks so much for this, Eketi! Honestly this is a much needed piece.

    Conatheist: what the…? Huh? Sorry dude, totally lost you around line 3 or so…

    Reply
  14. Honestly, my pastor said…. Infact, my pastor did not say anything. Eketi, u wee not kee somebori! Moral of the lesson? Do not let another do for you what you can do for yourself! ‘Nuff said… Conatheist, u say? What was that all abouy?#confused

    Reply
  15. This is serious issue my Sister. We are yet in this clime to disengage ourselves from the mentality of always going to “Baba” somewhere to enquire about our future which we now polish and glorify in turning the pastors into a demigod.

    Some of these pastors are not helping matter, instead of pointing people to God, they bask in the adulation not deserved and turn themself to consultant in what they themselves don’t know.

    Go to God your self.

    Your brain is not vestigeal , use it!

    Reply
  16. Slim

     /  February 17, 2014

    Thanks so much Shakes and Eketi, it was a very interesting piece. The fear for what we do not know or understand, and the desire to blame someone else have made a lot of people to loose themselves to other people. The most disturbing set being the so called Christians. Their pastors have become more than a mediator, and it’s become so bad that they no longer read their Bible and depend totally on their pastors for everything Spiritual. It’s sad when these pastors exploit that trust and faith for their own selfish gains.

    Reply
  17. Hhahahaahhaah. Sister preach!!!!! We have forgotten that God isn’t a God of one person, pastors be like I speak healing, marriage etc. And you shout I receive and God says keep doubting yourself when you have the power to speak things into existence. May God save us all. Awesome write up.
    @Enajyte I know a friend wey sabi sing like angel, any church she enter pastors go begin prophesy, God said you are my wife, my God is not an author of confusion.

    Reply
  18. LMAO Eketi, you need to send this to a national dailies for all the very rapidly increasing affected persons to be accordingly scolded. And its a beautiful writing too.

    Reply
  19. Yettie

     /  February 17, 2014

    My Father My Father. Who stole my wedding gown? lmfaooo!!!! Soooooo true. I’m tired of explaining dis 2 my friends.

    Reply
  20. ebony87

     /  February 17, 2014

    Eketi Ette………I love you well. This is the gospel truth. A display picture has this written “The first ever cordless phone was created by God. He named it PRAYER…It never loses its signal and you never have to recharge it. Use it Anywhere.” Jesus is the way. Go on your knees and pray for yourself by yourself. Your pastor can only guide you. Finito…Eke, nice one

    Reply
  21. ebony87

     /  February 17, 2014

    One more thing,no one can pray for you more than you can pray for yourself because you and God alone knows where it hurts the most. That said, pray your way through any situation.

    Reply
  22. I didn’t even know this was up here until someone asked me if I’m the Eketi who’s article is on MyMindSnaps.
    Thank you so much everyone, for reading and commenting.
    Mr Con atheist….could you please rephrase? Thank you.

    Reply
  23. Hahahhahaha….Anybaba, tu esta loco!

    Reply
  24. P..Preach!
    G..Gbam!

    Reply
  25. Kachi

     /  February 17, 2014

    Gbam!

    Reply
  26. I love this!

    Reply
  27. Yemie

     /  February 17, 2014

    OMG! Kachi r u really for realz??? Okay o, sorry for the essay, its just that I can’t help maself. Ndo, r we good now? *RME*. I’d also suggest that whenever you come across my ‘lenghty’ comments, you can just skip ’em and move on to the next ‘summarised’ comment. Now that sounds like a plan to me. LMAO!

    Reply
    • Exactly what I thought. Kachi, you do realize you can simply navigate past Yemie’s comment and move on to the next, right?

      Reply
      • Kachi

         /  February 19, 2014

        Lai Lai! I must read it o, skipping any single word would snatch away the satisfaction I get from being here. So,since obviously Yemie isn’t guna give in, who am I not to adjust?

  28. Uzoma

     /  February 22, 2014

    In these days, people worship pastors and not God, they follow church doctrines and not Bible principles which makes me wonder why we are called christians in the first place if we can’t really act like Christ.

    Reply

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